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"Words are hard to find," wrote Sting in his startling hymn to writer's block "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da." "And when their eloquence escapes me, their logic ties me up and rapes me."

Well, they might not quite go as far as outright sexual assault, but words can certainly commit GBH to a songwriter's reputation. So if you're a budding tunesmith looking to establish yourself as the Cole Porter or Leonard Cohen de nos jours, you'd best avoid the following common areas of lyrical misdemeanour...

Rhymes Without Reason

Despite several hits of undoubted quality, Des'ree will always be best known as the woman who sang (on "Life") "I don't want to see a ghost, it's the sight that I fear most. I'd rather have a piece of toast and watch the evening news."

Fuzzy Logic

In Oasis's "Champagne Supernova" we find Liam Gallagher "slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball." We later find our increasingly unreliable narrator "caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky." So he's a slow, fast, fizzy, loud, buried exploding star. Any astronomers fancy picking the bones out of that?

Extended Metaphors

"Someone left the cake out in the rain...," wrote the usually peerless Jimmy Webb on "MacArthur Park." "I don't think that I can take it, ‘cos it took so long to bake it, and I'll never have that recipe agaiiiiin...oh no!" Metaphors are like scissors--run too far with them and it'll only end in tears.

Embarrassing Innuendo

"Let me put my love into you babe," sang AC/DC's Brian Johnson in the song of the same name. OK, a reasonable enough request in the context of a heavy metal song... "Let me cut your cake with my knife." Sorry, you may be consenting adults, but if you're opening up the cutlery drawer I think it might be time to call Relate.

Admirable Sentiments, Atrocious Expression

We can only agree with Dolores O'Riordan's conclusion, on The Cranberries' "I Just Shot John Lennon," that the Beatle's death was A Bad Thing. But we're less sure about her version of events: "He had perceptively known it wouldn't be nice, and in 1980 he paid the price." The price of what? Fish? Fame? The price of knowing it wouldn't be nice? Erm...

Total Gibberish

Can poetic licence be revoked? It surely doesn't excuse this passage from Echo & The Bunnymen's "Thorn Of Crowns": "You set my teeth on edge! You think you're a vegetable, never come out of the fridge! C-c-c-cucumber! C-c-c-cabbage! C-c-c-cauliflower!"

Either he's reporting on a garden fête for the Stutterers Association, or he's making it up as he goes along.

Wilful Obscurantism

Bob Dylan's "Ballad Of A Thin Man" has often been hailed as an anthem for a generation. But I wonder how many of them made head or tail of this verse:

"Now you see this one-eyed midget shouting the word ‘now'

And you say, for what reason? And he says, ‘how?'

And you say, what does this mean? And he screams back, ‘you're a cow,

Give me some milk or else go home'."

Why of course, he's ridiculing the confusion of the "straight" world in the face of the brave new generation of whom he was a figurehead. And ridiculing the confusion of everyone else, in fact, by, erm, confusing them with ridiculous words.

Self-contradiction

On NWA's "F**k Tha Police," Eazy-E accuses an officer of  "Shining tha light in my face, and for what? Maybe it's because I kick so much butt! I Kick a**!"

But then he protests a little too much...

"Or maybe cuz I blast...on a stupid-assed n***a when I'm playin with the trigga of any Uzi or an AK."

Yes, Eazy, in that case I think he'd have every reason to shine a light in your face, and then arrest you for first degree murder.

No Inspiration Without Perspiration

Writer's block is bound to strike sooner of later, but it's best not to let it show in the finished lyric. So Bernie Taupin was asking for trouble when he gave Elton John the following pearler for "Your Song": "If I was a painter...but then again, no..."

Let us finish that line for you, Bernie. If you were a painter, you'd probably do half the Sistine Chapel, and then decide "Actually I think I fancy doing a nice sculpture instead."

Johnny Sharp is a regular Mojo contributor, and author of ‘Crap Lyrics', published in the UK by Portico Books. For a smarter take on music, visit http://www.mojo4music.com/blog/