Music Blogs

We're told beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But ever since "Video Killed The Radio Star," the visual has taken on added importance. Susan Boyle, the "frumpy 47-year old unemployed church volunteer who lived alone with her cat," as described in the New York Times, and her sudden rise to infamy for being able to sing quite capably on something called Britain's Got Talent television program while apparently looking like a frumpy 47-year old unemployed church volunteer who lives alone with her cat has caught everyone with eyesight off guard.

Pretty people have always been successful. People like me, less so. It's a fact of life. I'm also left-handed and that's apparently also shaving years off my life. In the days of radio, you could get away with a bit more. People still liked the idea of their singers being nice to look at, but it wasn't a deal-breaker. Surely people preferred to look at Billie Holiday than Big Mama Thornton, but both could count on receiving recording contracts based somewhat on what they sounded like. But then there also was once something called the "Music Business" and it was run by people who could crunch numbers and still hear something more than a cash register ringing.

I'm not claiming these people were angels. Many were alleged mobsters and many artists have come forth to say the contracts they signed were less than favorable to the artists in question. So as Slayer once put it, Evil Has No Boundaries.

Then again, we're also looking at a pretty mean double standard. After all, I don't remember there being much hubbub about Ruben Studdard winning the second season of American Idol and he wasn't exactly a classically good-looking dude. Let's be cynical here for a moment and figure that Susan Boyle is actually a bit of a plotted plant here. A kind of "Ugly Betty" deliberately molded to look as "unhip" as possible just so we can eventually see her turn into if not a "Swan" at least someone who's visited a stylist within the past five years. She'll make a great celebrity guest on What Not To Wear.

Now, rock music was once the music of outsiders, while pop music always catered more to the manicured and mainstream. Fat rockers weren't immediately shunned at the gate. And even these days there are plenty of bands whose members won't be gracing the cover of GQ anytime soon.

But for the fun of it, I picked out these ten poor folks as examples of performers who might never have been given a recording contract if today's laws of attractiveness were applied.

10) Biggie Smalls: Rappers are given far more leeway because being a big, ugly dude makes you more menacing. No one's going to believe you're from the street if you look like you get your nails done. Yet, usually you have to have a certain brickwall look to you. Biggie, on the other hand, looked like the only working out he did was to nail some more fast food. His size was menacing, but he looked like he'd prefer a nice nap over a gym workout. My kind of guy.

9) Barry White: It really is amazing how certain guys can get away with looking like hell and still convince the world they're walking love machines to the point where the world believes the hype and it actually happens. Motivational speakers call this positive thinking. I call it crazy and delusional. But apparently it works. I've taken to imaging large piles of money in my backyard. So far all I've got are weeds.

8) Carnie Wilson: When she first emerged with Wilson Phillips, Carnie was hidden as much as "they" could and "they" emphasized her slim sister and the other skinny chick. Poor Carnie. Such a pretty face, but in a world where "full-figured" is any woman who's eaten a decent meal, well, what are you going to do? If her self-esteem wasn't already in the toilet, you can imagine what the video directors and management said about her and the "advice" she was often given. Of course, she's since gone on to do some pretty radical weight-reduction surgeries and hosts a version of the Newlywed Game where she gets to watch other couples humiliate themselves to win wonderful prizes.

7) Bachman Turner Overdrive: An entire band of guys who looked like they belonged in the stands of a hockey arena not on a stage and Canadian as well. These days guys like this take care of business but not as rock stars, but as custodians at your local high school. As John Lennon once said in another completely unrelated context: The Dream is over.

6) Mama Cass: The Carnie Wilson of her day, yet back in the 1960s they didn't "hide" her. These days, they'd take one look at her and figure either go get your stomach stapled and some plastic surgery or else be replaced by someone else immediately. After all, we've got auto-tune now!

5) Meat Loaf: Men always get away with more. But there was a lot of more of him when he first broke with Bat Out Of Hell. And from the sight of him on certain programs, it seems like he's in much better shape. Not exactly svelte, but a lot less sweaty looking than he used to be. Is it Atkins?

4) Van Morrison: Short, pudgy, moody Irish guys don't get recording contracts anymore. At least that's what they told me when I applied. Of course, I also can't sing. But neither can half the music industry and it hasn't stopped them! Never mind what Van looks like. I don't think they sign people who make music that sounds like this anymore anyhow.

3) Johnny And Edgar Winter: Albinos? Are you kidding me? Sure, these Doublemint twins could be a kooky novelty. They're actually just brothers, not twins, but it doesn't matter how many instruments you can play or how much talent you have, the important part of music is the marketing and unless they're willing to exploit the fact that they look really weird with that white hair and pasty flesh there really isn't any commercial potential. Join the circus, folks.

2) Janis Joplin: She was considered a freak and a pig when she attended the University of Texas, which was probably a compliment considering the times and what passed as acceptable back then. She was hardly an ugly duckling, but she wasn't a Ford Model either. These days they'd just complain that her music is too loud and annoying and insist on smoothing it over while they airbrush her photos here and there. 

1) Barbra Streisand: Of course she's a legend. But if she were starting up in the business right now, Barbra would be in line for a nose job without a second thought. There's no way the entertainment industry puts all that money behind her without "correcting" her look. After all, you can only airbrush so much.

 

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