Music Blogs

10) Paul McCartney: McCartney chooses to be lousy. He's smart enough to write something decent. But he's lazy like a pothead. "Bip Bop"? At least half the crap on McCartney II. "In this ever-changing world in which we live in"? Sometimes you get so rich the rules of decent grammar never apply.

Evidence: "Someone's knockin' at the door / Somebody's ringin' the bell / Do me a favor / Open the door and let ‘em in."--"Let ‘Em In"

9) Jewel: A Night Without Armor. Don't you love it? She declares herself a poet and in one publishing swoop knocked Jim Morrison off the list. Half her songs sound like public service announcements. "Only kindness matters"? It seems a little inconclusive if you ask me.

"My hands are small I know / But they're not yours, they are my own."--"Hands"

8) Neil Peart: The joke is that Peart doesn't ever sing the lyrics. He hands them off to the bass player. Grab any Rush album and sit down with the lyrics and before listening to the music imagine how YOU would attempt lyrics that often sound as if they're not coming from someone who wishes to be a poet, but from someone who is apparently writing school textbooks in his spare time.

Evidence: "Catch the witness, catch the wit, Catch the spirit, catch the spit."--"Tom Sawyer."

7) Conor Oberst: There's nothing like having Closed-Captioning when musicians perform on television. I've watched Country Music Video stations with the sound off for years and been horrified by what passes for lyrics. It's as if Hallmark laid off their staff and sent them to Nashville. I caught Oberst on late night TV and got to read along with his lyrics. Oberst used to be confessional. These days he just sounds confused. And when he tries to write touching and topical, well...it certainly looks like its going to rain out there!

Evidence: "Green world, lovely chloroform / Front porch in the thunderstorm / Controlled chaos, confused energy / Stop reading the weather charts / Stop counting the playing cards / There's no system, there's no guarantee"--"Danny Callahan"

6) Gavin Rossdale: When Bush first appeared (the band, not the, ahem, President), they were criticized for being too derivative of the entire grunge scene coming from Seattle. When did Brits suddenly begin flyin' the flannel? However, it isn't the Cobain-through-a-strainer vocals that doom these gents, but the way they imitate Cobain's already questionably disjointed lyrics to make even less sense. Billy Corgan would do his part to behave as if he had deep thoughts, but these guys swim in a sea of Ambien. "Kissy-kiss in the rearview"?

Evidence: "There's No Sex in your Violence"--"Everything Zen"

5) Trey Anastasio: As an extremely educated dude with parents who also had a hand in things educational and literary, Anastasio should be able to write freakin' "Moby Dick" in his sleep (the Melville novel, not the Led Zeppelin drum instrumental). Instead, he writes an awful lot of silly, stream-of-consciousness ramblings that suggest maybe he enjoys a little too much silly-stick for his own good. Or else he needs to stop hanging around friends who giggle at his every word.

Evidence: "Tumbling greens, a pick-up screams alone above the square / Whoa, sing softly / Above the trees where Billy breathes we float upon the air
Whoa, oh"-"Billy Breathes"

4) Dolores O'Riordan: OK, it could be Noel Hogan, but chances are the lyrics are penned by the singer and the Cranberries singer is Dolores O'Riordan and her name is on these songs. "I Just Shot John Lennon" reads like something from a Creative Writing Class where the only way she passes is as if everyone else writes something equally squeamish. Crap, there are even gunshots at the end of the song. There's a "Spokesperson of a Generation" disease going on here.

Evidence: "They say the cream will always rise to the top. / They say that good people are always first to drop. / What of Kurt Cobain, will his presence still remain? / Remember JFK, ever saintly in a way"--"I'm Still Remembering"

3) Gene Simmons: It's as if he aimed for the worst lyrics possible. First thought, only thought. Time is money. Get it over with and move on. Much like this column.

Evidence: "You need my love baby, oh so bad / You're not the only one I've ever had"--"Calling Dr. Love"

2) Bon Jovi: Bon Jovi often wonders why he isn't taken more seriously. As a pop-metal group entertaining millions, he succeeds. But when he tries to paint himself as a serious songwriter, the guy's never met a cliché he couldn't marry.

Evidence: "I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back / I play for keeps, cause I might not make it back / I been everywhere, still I'm standing tall / I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all"--"Wanted Dead Or Alive"

1) Alanis Morissette: What can I say that Alanis can't say with more complicated structures and grammatical and syntactical questions in place that better explain the importance of her emotional interests and influences to enforce her musical paradigms and explain her worldview? I know, it's not FAIR!

Evidence: "We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful / We would heal be humbled and be unstoppable" - "Utopia"