Music Blogs

The Definitive Rod Stewart, a career overview that is obviously definitive, if the title is correct, drops this week and my boss is saying, "Why don't you write something nice about Rod Stewart for the people? Or maybe you like the idea of standing in the bread lines with the likes of that Kordova fella?" (I think he means Kordosh, the Gummo-sympathizer over at that Framed blog, but we never correct our elders.)

Anyhow, being a huge fan of such albums as Body Wishes, Camouflage, Every Beat of My Heart and Out of Control, some of which are also coming out digitally this week, I knew just how much fun it would be looking ol' Rod up in the Encyclopedia Britannica my parents bought me back when they thought I'd one day make a success out of myself (Sorry folks!). Lowered expectations and many years later and it turns out I'd already torn those pages out of the book. Or maybe my parents did, since they liked to protect me from the evils of society whenever they could. (I didn't even know there was such as thing as WHOLE MILK until college.)

In any event, I think these facts are right.

25) Birth Name--Roderick David Stewart: What a place to start, huh? Name, rank and serial number. Yeah, Roderick has to be shortened to "Rod" if you plan on making it in show business. Otherwise you just sound like a jerk.

24) Height Listed As 5' 8": This might even be an exaggeration. I'm told that British rockers are surprisingly slight considering their mega-star stature. I'm not quite Paul Simon, but when I watch sports, I often think to myself, "I probably come up to that guy's belt buckle."

23) Only Married Three Times--Alana Stewart, Rachel Hunter, Penny Lancaster: Stewart was associated with many fine women over the years, but he only got around to marrying three of them, which in Larry King terms makes him an amateur. He's currently married.

22) Seven Children--Sarah, Kimberly, Sean, Ruby, Renee, Liam, Alastair: Well, we know Rod's quite prolific in many areas of his career, so why should fatherhood be any different? Sarah was born back in 1964 before Rod had any idea that he would be rich enough to support an entire nation, never mind so many children.

21) Huge Football Fan (Soccer To Us Americans)--Signed to play soccer with Brentford Football Club in West London before signing with devil for music career: Alright, no one knows if musicians actually sign deals with Satan, Inc. in order to make it in the music business. (Van Morrison makes it sound pretty ominous, but then he's really paranoid). But that might be due to Satan's brutal "non-disclosure" rules. No matter, Rod was saved the indignity of watching his career get shortened by some guy kicking him in the crotch and instead learned the importance of the Glee Club.

20) Got The Name "Rod the Mod" In 1965 BBC Documentary On "Mod" Music: We all get our nicknames from somewhere. I won't even tell you mine. But imagine being interviewed for some corny "youth expose" and next thing you know you've been reduced to a caricature like "Joe the Plumber" (except that seemed to be a step up for that guy.)

19) Worked As Gravedigger: Now this is where you get your rocker credentials! Pumping gas is good, too. Pushing shopping carts in the rain has its street cred. Golf caddy probably isn't considered as cool. And youth group leader means you're going to be a folksinger.

18) Played in the band Steampacket, opened for the Rolling Stones and the Walker Brothers in 1965: Stewart played in a number of bands, but Steampacket is the best name of the bunch. Maybe he could do like Tom Petty did with Mudcrutch and dig up these guys and make that long lost Steampacket album. The world awaits!

17) Sang with Australian band Python Lee Jackson on "In A Broken Dream": Supposedly he came in as a favor and put down a "guide" vocal, which the other band members noted was better than what their singer could do, so they used Rod's performance. Good name for a band, at least. Wasn't like he accidentally sang with the New Christy Minstrels.

16) Joined the Jeff Beck Group in 1968: While Led Zeppelin ended up getting all the cred, and Cream were considered a real heavy supergroup, the Jeff Beck Group were every bit as volatile and designed for greatness as any other Yardbirds offshoot. They just weren't likely to keep it together since Jeff Beck doesn't seem to stay interested in anything for too long before moving on--and out of public eye.

15) Started Faces with Ron Wood in 1969--Goodbye Jeff Beck: Plotting the coup behind the leader's back? Next thing you know, Ron Wood and Rod Stewart are suddenly teaming up with members of the Small Faces who don't want to be known as "Small" anymore. Why point it out?

14) Rod Stewart's first mega-hit "Maggie May" is released in 1971 as a B-Side to Tim Hardin's "Reason To Believe": You can practically hear the record company exec with the big cigar in his mouth saying, "That ‘Maggie May' crap will never catch on! What you need is a hit! Take that Tim Harding guy. He writes hits! That one about upsetting the grace of living when break your arm is going to be huge. That ‘Maggie May' song could be ok if you could shorten it to two minutes. No one's going to listen for too long."

13) Faces last album Ooh La La in 1973 as Stewart's solo career makes it difficult to continue...: Having a mega-hit with "Maggie May" put an emphasis on Stewart's solo career which could mean one thing for this "band." Bye-bye. Sure, they'd hang on for a little while, hope springs eternal when there's a paycheck connected, but pretty soon the other band members would be left to shampoo the great man's rugs.

12) Applied for U.S. Citizenship in 1975: You don't like paying U.S. taxes? Apparently, paying British taxes is worse. And this is back in the ‘70s when tax rates in the U.S. were much higher than today. But back then California wasn't as crowded and Los Angeles thought it would be cute if they imported a few British rockers for their amusement.

11) Quits the Faces in 1975: Rod moves to Los Angeles and makes it official. Ron Wood smartly signs a multi-decade deal with the Rolling Stones, Ltd and is awarded Junior Partner status, which is still a better deal than what the band currently gives Darryl Jones. (Their "bass player" in case you were wondering).

10) "Tonight's The Night" #1 hit in 1976: Finally, the good stuff starts coming. It only took officially breaking off with the Faces for Rod to start finding his true following as a rock star who should roll around in bed sheets, kick his hair out to an outrageous degree and start wearing clothes that no one should ever wear in public.

9) "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" #1 in 1978: Yes, while Rod says the song isn't about him, it's kinda hard to imagine it being about anyone but. He fit the part so perfect. And in a moment of weird rock reality dissonance, he co-wrote the song with his drummer. Now everyone knows that never happens.

8) Reunites with Ron Wood to record MTV Unplugged..and Seated in 1993: Notice how we skipped his greatest decade. Well, he came back to sit on a stool and reunite with Ron Wood for this MTV special, which was smart enough to acknowledge the importance that Rod was officially too old to sing standing up. Now someone tell Mick Jagger the news.

7) 1994--Inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall Of Fame: This is what happens once you live too long. They start giving you awards to make you feel ashamed that you've outlived your friends. You'd think putting your teeth in a glass at night would be warning enough.

6) Diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer in 2000: After this horrific news, he had his operations, suffered the treatments and had to learn to sing all over again. Good news: he's still around and he can still sing. Bad news: they never caught the jerk who gave this to him.

5) In the 2000s, releases several volumes of standards as variations on The Great American Songbook: Anytime I see something that says The Great American Songbook, I get afraid. Images of "Tom Dooley" and "America The Beautiful" and "This Land Is Your Land" and "The Weight" come into view and I imagine myself in music class as a young child thinking "I must really hate music because these songs suck."

4) At 2001 World Music Awards Receives Diamond Award for 100 Million Albums Served: If you ever wondered how Stewart stacks up to his contemporaries, it's official: the guy is like the McDonald's of Rock. Now Supersize Me, Rod.

3) Given a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in 2005: I've never understood how this works. I once thought you had to be in movies to get one of these, which is why I assumed Kiss made Kiss Meets the Phantom, but I guess you just need to live in Los Angeles for a time and petition the mayor with prayer.

2) Lifetime Achievement Award from GQ Magazine in 2006: Now of all the awards Rod has received over the years, this is the one I believe he should be most proud of. I mean, the man has aspired to such cosmopolitan heights of manness that only GQ or maybe Esquire could deliver him the right distinctions. He sure doesn't want to be getting awards from the Boy Scouts of America or worse, the Webelos!

1) Received Queen's CBE Award (Commander of the British Empire) 2007: Well, it certainly took long enough. It's almost like they were waiting for him to die before giving him this distinction. I guess ol' "Hot Legs" had to assure everyone that he wouldn't do anything to embarrass them at this late date. I'm assuming he left his leather pants at home. And that his leopard prints are also boxed away in the attic where he can't get at them.